You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
