so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
