I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
