it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
