Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
