this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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