I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
