mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
