I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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