I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We got so high we made milksteak
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
