So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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