I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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