I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
