roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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