They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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