a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
