dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
