When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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