He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
