at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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