my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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