Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
