he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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