I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
