Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
