is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
