I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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