somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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