She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
