wanna go halves on a baby?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
