I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
