I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
