I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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