Will you blow on my dice?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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