i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
