I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
