So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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