Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
