the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize