I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
