The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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