yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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