so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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