Are we in a gay sports bar?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
