he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
