This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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