Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
