What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
