Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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