Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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