Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
