I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize