Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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