He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
