If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
