that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize