FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize