no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
