Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
