Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize