I can tuck mytits in my pants
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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